So there’s this secret that I’m about to share….. It’s beyond surreal, and for some reasons (certain ones obvious) it’s hard to admit…..
Tomorrow I turn 39. The final year of this decade – my 30’s…. I can say that while I took some serious blows that were soul crushing, I also pushed beyond what I thought possible. And my 30’s, so far, have been the best possible years of my life. Though there are two things I would like to note: one, I don’t plan on allowing this final year to be anything less than awesome and two, I plan on making the next decade, oh those 40’s……. Even more awesome than what I’ve witnessed, enjoyed, been part of, lived thru, endured, accomplished, felt, loved, cried, laughed, struggled and persevered thru in my 30’s….
While skiing this past week with my kids, now 19 and 15 (gosh I started early), thru the laughter and talking I also began thinking………..
You know, when you’re 15 – or 19 – or even 25… People in there 30’s seem so old. You’re still naive to life at that point… You start to think “I’ll never be that old”… At concerts you look back and think “why are those old people here?!?!”. These past 9 years of “30” have shown many realities. I seem to have more crows lining my eyes when I smile (the nice way of me saying wrinkles), my metabolism has decided to not go full throttle anymore (I think it may not be working at all)… There are aches that didn’t ache before (Past accidents are haunting). There are bones that don’t flex quite as easily as they once did and well (they really don’t want to flex at all)… When you hit the ground with any speed (I still get out and push myself beyond certain limits) it hurts…. And it hurts more and takes longer, at times, much longer to heal.
OH! Let me add in there that with this age there can also come a sneeze that can throw your back out and leave you, well….. That fucker will leave you right where you sneezed, just hoping that you can make it to a place to lay down till it works itself out. haha…
You know what else though, about your thirties…. You realize many many things you never thought about in your 20’s. And toward your mid-late 30’s (because 39 is your mid late 30’s), you begin to truly understand more of what you realized… You learn size is just a number. If you feel good, and it looks good, it’s all good (if you don’t like the number, rip the tag out)… Some of the other things you learn, or that I’ve learned…. Well let’s see….
- You find comfort in the smallest of things and no longer search high and low for something that excites you, because now what might excite you could be as simple as your childs laugh. Or sitting on the porch with a book as the sun goes down. And you actually allow yourself to do these small things now.
- Perfection is completely over-rated and control should not be a concern.
- You don’t need to do things that you don’t want to do. Really, if you don’t want to do it, don’t. (as long as you’re not hurting anyone)…. Your time is precious and you should do those things that make you comfortable.
- You discover just how strong willed you are and how you can make anything happen if you want it bad enough and are willing to work hard enough.
- You realize that you mess up, and everyone messes up. It’s part of life and if you can’t accept it, you will struggle with it for the rest of your time. Instead, you work with it and do your best to not mess up or let someone else’s mess up effect your days anymore.
- You understand that there are heart breaking pains which will always be with you. They never go away. Instead you let the feelings happen when they happen, good or bad, and you know they will happen again on another day sometime.
- You learn that each struggle, each soul crushing blow makes you who you are. And the way you get thru it is up to you. But you will get thru it and you will be stronger on the other side.
- You learn that others in your life have been in the trenches as well, and they’re the real ones. Not the trenches which are useless made up drama, but the real deal. And you meet some that have been deeper in the trenches and dealt with situations you could never image. And you find it admirable to see that they have come thru and are survivors and to simply be more like them would be a blessing.
- You learn that failure will be and is part of life, and failure will, hands down, be one of your best teachers.
- You learn not to kick others when they’re up or down. It’s unfair and unkind. And you’ve been there before and you surely didn’t want to be kicked.
- You learn that you’re not here for yourself. You’re here for others. For those around you. Let go of what may have happened in the past and be the best you can be for those in your life. They’re there for a reason and some will always be there thru thick or thin, for good or bad.
- You learn that tears are not weakness and emotions make you who you are. It’s up to you if you decide to let your walls down… If there are people that can’t accept your emotions, that’s on them, not you.
- You learn to hand on, really fucking tight, to the good moments and the good memories and the rest, throw them as far away from you as you can. Fill yourself with all the good ones. Glow in their light…
- You learn that where you live, what you live in, how much you have of something, the label on your newest purchase, status, titles, don’t mean a friggin’ thing. Rarely will anyone be remembered for their professional accomplishments but instead how they made people feel.
- And while it’s not something I have learned, one last thing I am adding into this list is something I am going to allow…. “What is it?” you ask…. I’m going to allow myself to enjoy. When i want pizza, I will enjoy and savor that pizza. Not just one piece, I will enjoy what I want. The whiskey I drink, I will savor. And when I want to just sit and read instead of getting out and pushing myself into a workout. I will sit and read………..
I could go on, but instead, this last day of 38 I am going to slow down…. I’m going to slow WAY down today. I’m going to watch the snow fall outside and I’m going to play with our puppies. I’m going to start to peak at the other side of the coming hill (SOME SERIOUS STUFF IS COMING THAT I CAN NOT WAIT TO SHARE!)…. Thru this last year…. Of my 30’s, I will look back and appreciate everyone, every moment, every gain and every loss that has gotten me to the point I’m at.
Then, a year from today, I will bid this decade a sweet farewell. Because you know what…. I’m going to make my 40’s with some new wrinkles – a few more emerging gray hairs and all, the best yet.
This I promise…
This….. I …… Promise……..